10 Straightforward Ways to Be More Present and Loving with Your Spouse

Many of you have asked me how I found a happy marriage the second time around. So for those of you who are married or have a life partner, I hope you find this week's blog helpful.

However, if you are in a place right now where I once was - in a challenging home situation, or feeling alone after a painful divorce, read this blog with hope for your future. Believe with confidence that it is possible to love again, fully and completely.

One thing is for sure about the stress and uncertainty of the last couple of years – it has been tough on relationships.

When stress is high, times are uncertain, and you are already on overload it seems the people you care about most tend to take a back seat.

If you have a supportive partner, it’s easy to put their needs aside as you tend to the more critical matters – your business requires your full attention right now; your kids need you. There just isn’t time for your partner.

My friend, you will never have time if you don’t make time.

This is the final blog in the series How to Be Enthusiastically Present in Your Life. Today the focus is your most important relationship - your spouse, with ten ways to reconnect and rekindle your spark.

Why Your Spouse Needs Your Attention

A reality check – if this is the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with, isn’t it your most important relationship?

With a myriad of things every day pulling your attention, sometimes you can lose sight of your spouse. In fact, appreciating them and meeting their needs may be the last thing on your mind.

However, to have the balanced, fulfilling life you desire, it means making the things you value most a top priority. This includes, and in fact requires your relationship with your spouse be at the top of the list.

If you’re like most busy, working parents, finding more time with your spouse can seem next to impossible. From hectic schedules to an endless to-do list, it can feel like there’s never enough time to spend with the person you love most in the world.

But you want to make your relationship a priority, and you can do it. Here is a list of ten straightforward ways to be more present with your spouse.

1. Prepare in Advance

A happy marriage takes work - it takes intention.

To be fully present with your spouse, it’s crucial that you set aside time to be only with them. Though family time is important too, when this is your default mode the days will be rare where you get one-on-one time.

The answer to letting everything else get in front of that most important person is to prepare in advance. If like most busy entrepreneurs you live by your schedule, calendar time in to be with your spouse. Set regular “date nights,” ideally on a weekly basis.

It doesn’t matter what you do as long as it involves spending quality time together. No agenda, no distractions, just being together with undivided attention.

Research shows that purposeful dating is foundational for a healthy, meaningful marriage. Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman, say in their book, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, “Happily ever after is not by chance. It’s by choice.”

2. Become a Better Listener

How well do you listen to your spouse?

When you’re with your partner, be completely present. This means giving your undivided attention or just listening instead of thinking about what you’re going to say next.

You’ll know you are fully focused when you aren’t distracted by other things in your head or by checking your phone, watching TV, or doing other chores while they are speaking to you.

If listening is a quality you struggle with, here are some ways to train yourself to be a better listener:

• Put things that distract you away – like your phone.
• Make eye contact while they are talking to you.
• Wait until your spouse is finished talking before you respond.
• Repeat back what you heard.
• Ask questions to understand.

By being completely present with your spouse, you show him or her that they are important enough to deserve all your attention.

3. Don’t Think About Tomorrow

It’s not a bad thing to reflect upon the past, or talk about your future, but make sure you are spending your time together enjoying today.

Savor your moments together. My husband and I spent a recent date where we agreed to focus only on what we were doing and not talk about what we were going to do the next day. It was harder than I thought it would be!

Once we got the hang of it, it was an incredibly special way of connecting and sealing a memory.

We appreciated the good bottle of wine we were drinking, savored the amazing food at the restaurant we were dining (I still remember my lamb dish) and talked about what we enjoyed about our day together.

4. Keep Technology Out of Sight

If you’re looking at your phone or on your computer when with your spouse, then you’re not being present. Take a break from technology and focus instead on what matters most: enjoying your time with them.

The next time you’re talking with your spouse, leave your phone in another room or leave it in your pocket when you go to sit next to them on the couch.

What do you notice about how you connect? When it comes down to it, there’s nothing wrong with using technology—but make sure that connection is making room for person-to-person connection as well.

If you find breaking from your technology tough to do, get some helpful tips here Digital Detox: Why Scaling Back Your Screen Time is Important.

5. Choose Activities You Enjoy Doing Together

One of the ways to strengthen the relationship with your spouse is by doing things together that you both enjoy. Try new things. Laugh together.

When you are having fun, it is much easier to let go of distractions and be present and engaged.

Find an activity or hobby that you can take up as a couple. My husband and I signed up for a golf membership at a local club a few years ago and took a series of lessons together. We now include a golf game in most of our travels and have fun playing (and competing 😉) on the course.

6. Build Your Friendship

Friendship is one of the characteristics of a happy marriage, and spending time together builds your emotional connection with your spouse.

Build your friendship in your marriage in the same way you would in any other true friendship:

• Spend time together
• Get to know each other better
• Share secrets
• Be trustworthy and loyal
• Talk about what is most important to you

When your spouse is your friend, you look forward to doing things with them as they are your favorite person to share your life experiences.

7. Make Time for Intimacy

When I was growing up, sex in marriage was rarely talked about. Yet it is a vital and beautiful part of marriage.

If you are not talking about it, or doing it in your marriage, it’s time to make it an important priority. When you feel like you are on a separate page (or book) in this area, know you may simply be wired differently than your spouse.

According to psychologist and author of Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski, some people have a spontaneous desire style – they want sex out of the blue. Many others have a responsive desire style – something pleasurable needs to be happening first. Both are normal.

Talk together on this subject and considering putting sex on the calendar! Create space for both of you to be relaxed and present for intimacy in your marriage.

8. Remember Love is a Verb

You may feel like you are communicating well with your spouse, but if it's all happening in your head or in a sentence or two here and there, then there’s room for improvement.

In fact, studies show that couples that remember love is a verb—meaning it involves action on their part as well as emotion—are more satisfied with their relationship than those who forget that concept.

Identify the love language of your spouse and act in the ways that make them light up. Is it picking up the kids from practice so they can have some time to work out at the gym; coming home to a wrapped gift on the kitchen counter; or a relaxing massage?

On one of your date nights, take turns where one of you shares something you love about the other and follow up by saying why you love it. The more specific and detailed you are, the better.

9. Appreciate Your Spouse by Being Grateful

When is the last time you have told your spouse how much you appreciate them?

Let’s face it. Marriage like any other relationship you care about is hard at times – it takes real work and commitment. There will be days that your spouse completely frustrates you. Depending on your personality you will either tell them just how you feel or bury it in resentment.

In one of these seasons of struggle, I flipped the script by changing my complaining into gratefulness. Every morning in my journal I would write out at least ten things I was grateful for in my husband. As I remembered and wrote down all the positive things about my spouse my mind began to shift.

The more your heart is filled with thanksgiving for your partner, the more you will appreciate them.

10. Schedule a Regular Check-In

In your business you likely do a regular check in with your most important clients and team members. During these meetings, you ask them how things are going, and what you could do to make the relationship any better.

Schedule check-ins like this with your spouse. It is an opportunity for you to each talk about what is working; what is not; what you appreciate; and what you would like to see change.

These open, honest conversations help to grow and improve your relationship and deepen your love for one another.

Be intentional about being present with your spouse. These ten strategies will help you put that extra time into your relationship, so you can strengthen your bond and start enjoying life together all over again.

Resources some of my favorite reads to check out:

The 80/80 Marriage: A New Model for a Happier, Stronger Relationship by Nate and Kaley Klemp

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski

Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John and Julie Gottman

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman