8 Ways to Stop Letting Others Control Your Life

How often do you give away your power? 

You may do this more often than you think. 

This was a realization for one of my CEO clients after they parted with a member of their leadership team (a decision that was long overdue). If you’re like me, you have “been there, done that” too - putting off a decision you knew you needed to make. He realized a few weeks later what a necessary change it was. 

In the beginning this team member was a significant contributor, however over time they started to undermine the CEO and the company. There was constant stress and conflict and after a while my client began to doubt himself and began to think he was the problem. When we discussed the issue in a coaching session, we discovered the root of the issue: He was giving away his power.  

By placing his power in the hands of others, he was destroying his sense of self and confidence in his own abilities. When he made the decision to part ways with a person who was no longer contributing to the team the entire atmosphere of the office changed. Suddenly it was a positive and enriching place to work again.  

In today’s blog, you are going to learn 8 Ways to Stop Giving Away Your Power. 

What You are Doing That You May Not Realize

You may give away your personal power without even realizing it. How does this happen? See if any of these statements sound familiar:

• You don’t speak up because you want to avoid a fight. 
• You don’t trust others completely, so add more work to your own plate.
• You procrastinate on a decision you know you should make.
• You beat yourself up when you don’t meet your standard.

Often times, the various ways you give up your power have been formed over many years, based on circumstances of the past when you have felt a lack of control. Then when you face a new challenge, the automatic response kicks in - often not in a healthy way. In relationships you may sacrifice yourself to please someone else, or feel validated, or to keep the peace.

When you get in a habit of giving away your power this will result in you feeling stuck, frustrated with yourself, and even questioning who you are or what you want in life. 

Perhaps pain from your past is still creeping into the way you are handling challenges now. Without realizing it you may be giving away power, and it’s holding you back from truly stepping in fully to the amazing future that awaits you. 

Identify What is Holding You Back from Your Best Future

You don’t need to live a life that feels out of control and powerless. You can learn to take back your power. 

How do you start? You need to identify what is holding you back. Is there something hard you went through, such as a trauma from your past that you need to let go? Is it currently holding you hostage? 

When you have been through a trauma – a big T trauma or just the onslaught of the little T traumas that plague us in everyday life, they can take your power away. When you are facing something really tough – You feel powerless. 

Your amygdala - the fight or flight mechanism in your brain, just keeps going off. Your body is designed to protect you. When you go through a traumatic situation such as abuse, an illness, or divorce your alarm goes off and helps you to react quickly to protect yourself. The problem becomes when a challenge because a chronic issue, the amygdala stays in the “on” position. 

Over time your body just gets used to being constantly in a state of alarm. The stronger the emotion, the pain, the more you focus on it. It becomes you – it wires into your mind and body, and you begin to think this is the way it always will be. It is “your normal.”

You become used to reacting in a certain way with certain emotions – fear, anger, bitterness…You are used to the suffering and it’s comfortable. 

But this is not the way it is meant to be. You don’t have to stay powerless. You are called to be powerful. The power has always been there, you just need to realize it, and talk hold of it. 

“You’ve always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.” Glinda – Wizard of Oz

Don’t give your power away anymore. 

First, Learn How to Turn Off the Alarm 

The good news is that you can, in fact, change your brain and turn off the alarm. 

It wasn’t all that long ago that scientists thought that your brain stopped developing at adulthood. Once you became an adult the condition of your brain then was thought to be how it was going to stay for life. But new science found out this is not the case. Through neuroplasticity you can rewire your mind. You can create new habits that stick. By adopting new reactions and new patterns, over time you can build a habit and change your mindset. 

Change your mindset to begin changing your story. You have work to do. No one is going to do it for you. If you are feeling completely overwhelmed, you start here. If you struggle staying consistent in certain areas of your life, you start here. Or if you just want to keep improving your capabilities and impact, you start here. 

Then, take a courageous look at yourself and see where you are falling victim to destructive habits that take away your power. 

Evaluate these 8 areas where you may be giving your power away:

1. You allow negative thoughts to ruminate. Are you in charge of your thoughts, or are they in charge of you? When you allow a toxic mindset (one that beats you up for not being enough or doing enough) to rule the day, you are giving away your power. 

When you let negative thoughts swirl in your mind you are giving your power away. Remember that you are in charge of your thoughts. When you begin ruminating take back your power by speaking the truth over the negative thought. 

2. You complain. It is ok and helpful to discuss a problem with someone, however, don’t let it turn into barrage of complaints that becomes a vent session. This takes your power away by removing you from a place of creativity to solve the issue.   

3. You have trouble setting boundaries. Do you have healthy boundaries with the people in your life that you spend the most time with? As a servant-hearted leader you want the best for your team, your family members, and your friends. However, you can be skewed in wanting someone else’s happiness, satisfaction, approval, so much that you lose yourself. 

4. You dwell on past failures. When mistakes and regrets of the past keep you from taking the steps forward for your future, you are giving away your power. Use your past failures as learnings for future action, however, it needs to stop there. Remember you don’t drive a car forward by looking in the rearview mirror and the same concept applies to your life.  

5. You let someone else dictate your decisions. When life gets hard, and you are under stress sometimes it easiest to give the power reins to someone else. This is ok from time to time with someone you trust, however make sure that you are not making decisions based only on what’s best for others. In the end, you are the only one in charge of the direction of your life so don’t give that power away. 

6. You don’t make decisions. Procrastination is the enemy of personal power and one of the easiest traps to fall into. Any time you put off a decision that you know in your gut you need to make, you take away not only your power, but you own future happiness. 

7. You suppress your thoughts and words. Do you ever give away your power by keeping your mouth shut? Ask yourself if you have intentionally kept your truth and the things you want to fight for inside in order to keep the peace with someone in your life. This is an unhealthy and common way you can give away your power. Commit to speak up in a kind way when you need to. 

8. You ignore your self-care. You may not think that lack of self-care is giving up power, but this is one of the biggest ways I have seen my clients sacrifice themselves. Evaluate if you are putting everything and everyone in front of your own needs. If this resonates, start taking control by scheduling regular self-care into your calendar. 

The first step to reclaiming your power is to recognize where in your life you have been giving it away. 

Of these 8 areas, pick one or two that resonate the most with you. What can you do to take action and begin taking the steps forward to create your best future? 

Then take action to break the pattern and take back your power.