How to Go From Self-Doubt to Self-Acceptance

If you enjoy the game of golf, you will appreciate how one of our team members at a recent charity tournament (a twenty-something superstar) bombed his drive on to the green – twice!

While I know a few colleagues who think golf is “how to ruin a perfectly good walk” I look it as a fabulous way to get outside and enjoy time with friends, get some exercise, and whoop a bit over that one extraordinary golf shot.

The thing about golf - it will keep you coming back when you have had a day of amazing shots, because you want to hit more of them; and it will keep you coming back when you have an off day, so you can redeem yourself.

On the course or off, as a high-achieving entrepreneur you set a high bar for yourself. This is positive as it drives perseverance and results. The problem becomes if you adopt the habit of setting the bar too high…

Let me ask you this. If you think about how you view your own expectations and results, would you say you spend more time:

Criticizing your performance, or

Cheering yourself on

If you answered that you criticize your performance, in other words, “beat yourself up” when you don’t perform well, there is a better way.

The Negative Impact of the Overachieving Mindset

Determined to improve my golf game, I took a series of lessons from an award-winning coach. My biggest takeaway – it wasn’t how to improve my swing, or the ball’s trajectory. My biggest aha was the negative impact of my overachieving mindset – the one that told me:

• What is wrong with you?
• Get it together.
• You just aren’t good enough.
• You aren’t going to get this.
• Why do you bother?
• You should just give up.
• This is too hard.

This is how it happened for me…

The lesson occurred in the late afternoon after what had been a stressful workday. Driving from my home office to the course, I was stewing over what I hadn’t gotten done due to some unexpected interruptions and trying to figure out how I would catch up. (I am sure you never have days like this, right?)

Then on the driving range the lesson began, and I couldn’t hit the ball. In fact, it felt like I had never swung a golf club before.

“Shake it off,” I told myself. However, I kept getting more and more agitated. When I finally started to hit the golf ball it would slice into the trees. Finally, toward the end of the excruciating hour I began to connect with the ball.

After one of my shots, my coach said to me, “What did you like about that?”

“Nothing,” I said. I didn’t like it because the ball didn’t go where I wanted. “You are being too hard on yourself,” he responded. “You had great contact, and if you were on the course the ball would have been very playable. You could still get on from there.”

He was spot on. I had set a high expectation and was being very hard on myself. (I am not making the LPGA anytime soon, this is supposed to be fun.) My self-critical and negative mindset was affecting my performance more than anything else.

When Evaluating Your Performance, Give Yourself a Break

If you are naturally results-oriented and performance driven, you will tend to be critical of yourself when you don’t meet your own expectations. When you do it over and over, this “overachievement” mentality will take its toll on your health and happiness.

Maybe you had a personal goal:

• You were going to set that boundary with a challenging person in your life – but you were triggered and fell into an old pattern again. Or
• You signed up for a new fitness program to improve your health, and after missing a few sessions, gave up on it.

Or a professional goal:

• You were going to get that new certification and didn’t finish it.
• You were going to win that big contract and didn’t get it.

When this happens - you don’t achieve what you want to achieve, you may want to write off the entire performance.

Often, you may have done something 90 percent effective, but only see the 10 percent that didn’t live up to your own or someone else’s standards.

It is normal to judge your own behavior and performance from time to time. This can be a good thing – when your desire is for your own continuous improvement. The problem becomes when you have a usual tendency to berate and “beat yourself up” for failing to live up to excessively high expectations.

If you find yourself constantly falling short, it may be that your expectations of yourself are too high. It’s important to have big goals that stretch you, but they need to be actually achievable. When they aren’t, it will lead to ever increasing stress, anxiety, and self-doubt.

This chronic stress takes its toll on entrepreneurs. In a 2022 survey by Capital One on small business owners nearly half of them (42%) say they have experienced burnout in the last month. And 22% said they are experiencing burnout right now.

My friend, you can’t always change the external factors that cause stress in your life, but you do have power over your internal stress - the way you treat yourself.

So, how do you change this self-critical behavior? First, the next time you catch yourself negatively responding to your performance, give yourself a break.

Then ask yourself these five questions:

1. What did you like? No matter what the outcome, there is going to be something you liked. Breakdown whatever performance you are reviewing into parts and evaluate piece by piece looking for the good things. They are there.
2. What did you do well? You may tend to look at the gap of where you are versus where you wanted to be right now. Instead, look back and see how far you have come – the improvements you have made. Celebrate these.
3. What didn’t go as planned? It is important to evaluate where you missed the mark. When you clearly understand what is not working, you can make changes. Ask yourself what didn’t go as planned and why.
4. What can you change about it for the next time? With the clarity that comes through honest evaluation you make a change for the future. If your initial goal was unrealistic consider making an adjustment.
5. What did you learn? Don’t skip this step. Failure is a step toward achievement. In every outcome, take time to think about what you have learned. Remember, a big goal is achieved through successes and failures, one step at a time.

Now let it go and move on.

I know…this is easier said than done. For me, it meant letting go of my overachieving mindset and realizing that it is ok, even necessary, to fail along the way. My worth is not tied to my performance. (Let that sink in…)

Make the decision to stop the self-critical behavior and change your mindset to one of self-acceptance.

When you adjust your thinking, you can accept that every step, whether it is a step forward or step back, is part of the journey to the best version of yourself.

Next time you are tempted to self-criticize, cheer yourself on instead. Great chip shot Janelle!