How to Make Your Partners Heart Happy

The sun was streaming through the bedroom window when I woke up this morning. Rolling over I noticed the space beside me was empty. My husband Graham often gets up before me for an early run so I wasn’t surprised, and since we were on vacation after all, I wasn’t in a hurry to get up.  

Sometime later I heard the front door and walked down the stairs of our rental to say good morning. Graham was back from the gym: in one hand were his car keys and the other – a latte from the local coffee shop for me! After 14 years he knows me well, and that a perfectly roasted espresso is the way to his wife’s heart. It’s a little thing but one way he makes me feel loved.  

Marriage isn’t easy, and ours is far from perfect. The point is – anything you want to sustain and improve in your life needs attention. Just like your business, when you commit to and track improvement, your business improves.  The same is true for your marriage relationship.  

In today’s blog, How to Make Your Partner’s Heart Happy, we are going to talk about one of the common problems in marriage and some specific things you can do to make your spouse feel loved, understood and seen.  

Your Relationship Scorecard 

If you were to score your most important relationship – the one with your spouse, how would you rate it? Would it be a 10 out of 10 – where you are happy and thriving; struggling hard at a 1-3, or somewhere in between?

As a successful entrepreneur I have no doubt you have taken time in the last year to evaluate your business – noting what’s working, what’s not, and committing to improvement. After all, you know “What is measured, improves,” the well-known quote by legendary consultant Peter F. Drucker in his book “The Effective Executive. In order to have a happy and thriving marriage it’s critical to apply this same principle.  

Relationships are one of the key life areas that needs your focus in order for you to have the joyful, balanced life you desire. You probably know this already, but when is the last time you have really looked at your marriage relationship to evaluate how it is doing and make plan for improvement?  

A Communication Problem 

Graham and I have helped many business owners and their teams improve communication through the Birkman Assessment.  One of the reasons is that it points out a person’s emotional needs that may be go unseen. One entrepreneur early on said, “This has provided incredible insights - I need to do this assessment with my wife!” Now, it is part of our program to have spouses take the assessment and it helps them to learn about each other and their differing needs.   

Because here is the common problem. You are wired a certain way when you were born with a unique personality and way of being and communicating. It is natural to think that the things that make your heart happy would also make your spouse’s heart happy – but this is often not the case.   

Understand Your Spouse to Better Love Your Spouse 

One of the most helpful things Graham and I have done in our marriage is to learn about each other’s personalities and what the similarities and more importantly, the differences are.   

In the intricate dance of relationships, understanding your partner extends beyond shared experiences and into the realm of recognizing their unique personality traits. The Birkman Assessment provides four personality style quadrants and we have provided a couple of common blends you may relate to as well.   

You will likely find yourself dominate in one of these but remember everyone has parts of each. Let’s delve into your personality through the lens of the Birkman and explore how to make your partner’s heart happy.  

The Doers 

 If your spouse is a “doer” they are action-oriented, practical, and often driven by results. They value efficiency, directness, and are typically very task-focused. Recognizing their need for achievement and their pragmatic approach to problem-solving is key. Here are some success tips to better connect with them.  

Success Tips: 

• Acknowledge Achievements: Celebrate their successes and milestones, no matter how big or small. Did they win a new contract at work, or hit a personal best? When you recognize their efforts and results it makes them feel valued. 
• Set Clear Goals Together: Engage in setting clear, achievable goals within the relationship or shared activities. It aligns with their task-oriented nature and promotes a sense of teamwork. 
• Respect Their Independence: Allow them space to pursue their interests and tasks. Acknowledging their need for autonomy reinforces trust and respect in the relationship. 

The Communicators 

Are you married to a social butterfly? If your spouse is an extrovert and you are not, it may be challenging to relate to their constant need for people.  They are highly social, emphasizing interpersonal relationships and communication. They thrive in supportive, collaborative environments and are often seen as empathetic and understanding. Here are some ways to love them better.

Success Tips: 

• Prioritize Communication: Ensure open lines of communication, encouraging the sharing of thoughts and feelings. Active listening and empathy are crucial. 
• Create Social Opportunities: Facilitate and participate in social activities that nurture their need for connection. Group settings where they can engage and connect deeply with others are ideal.
• Show Emotional Support: Be present and responsive to their emotional needs. Verbal affirmations and quality time reinforce your care and understanding. 

The Analyzers 

If your spouse is an Analyzer, they are characterized by their logical, analytical, and detail-oriented approach. They excel in situations that require critical thinking and problem-solving. Analyzers are driven by data, facts, and efficiency, often seeking the most effective way to complete tasks. 

Success Tips: 

• Offer Logical Support: When discussing issues or plans, present information and options logically. Analyzers respect well-thought-out reasoning and are more receptive to ideas backed by data and facts. 
• Appreciate Their Precision: If you don’t have the analyzer personality you find yourself getting impatient with your spouse’s pace. Instead, recognize and value their attention to detail and their meticulous nature. Acknowledging the thoroughness of their work fosters respect and admiration.  
• Encourage Independent Problem-Solving: Provide opportunities for them to tackle challenges on their own. Analyzers thrive when given the autonomy to apply their analytical skills, leading to a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. 

The Thinkers 

If your spouse has a thinker personality, they are often introspective, analytical, and thoughtful. They value logic, consistency, and are usually detail-oriented, appreciating depth in discussions and contemplation.  

Rather than valuing constant social activity like the communicator, they will prefer more alone time. Here are some ways to connect deeply with your thinker spouse.  

Success Tips: 

• Engage Intellectually: Stimulate their minds with thoughtful discussions, books, or shared learning experiences. Intellectual connection is a strong form of bonding.  
• Respect Their Need for Solitude: Understand and honor their occasional need for solitude to recharge and reflect. When you are the opposite of your spouse in this area which happens often, you may tend to feel snubbed when they want their “alone time.” Remember, this is not distance for them but a part of their process.  
• Be Consistent and Reliable: Stability and predictability in the relationship are essential. Consistency in actions and commitments provides them with a sense of security. 

The Visionaries 

Is your spouse always full of new ideas? Visionaries are creative, innovative, and forward thinking. They enjoy exploring possibilities, are adaptable, and thrive on change and variety. They value inspiration and are often energized by new ideas and experiences. 

Success Tips: 

• Encourage Creativity: Support and participate in creative endeavors or projects. Appreciation for their creative outputs fosters a deeper emotional connection. 
• Embrace Change and Spontaneity: Be open to new experiences and changes in plans. Flexibility and adaptability resonate with their dynamic nature. 
• Inspire Together: Share dreams and set visionary goals as a couple or team. Being co-creators in future possibilities strengthens the bond and aligns with their forward-thinking mindset. 

The Adventurers

If your partner is an adventurer they are always on the lookout for the next exciting experience. Adventurers crave novelty and spontaneity. Planning a surprise day out or trying something new together will keep the spark alive in their hearts. 

Success Tips: 

• Plan Adventures: Regularly plan new and exciting activities or trips that cater to their love for adventure and spontaneity. 
• Be Open to Spontaneity: If you value structure, this aspect of your spouse may drive you a little bonkers. You will show them love when you embrace and encourage spontaneous plans or last-minute changes with enthusiasm.  
• Adventure in the Ordinary: Find ways to turn everyday tasks into mini-adventures, keeping the energy and excitement alive in daily life. 

As you read through this list, you likely thought – “Yes, that’s my husband”(or wife), or “that’s me for sure.” You may have even gotten a chuckle or two. I know I did reading the adventure list – yes, Graham feels loved when we turn everyday experiences into adventures, and, as a strategist I do get a bit giddy when we do goal setting together!  

I encourage you to take a few ideas from here and make a love list for your spouse. What items did you think “Yes – they would love that?” Be willing to be more spontaneous if that’s what makes your husband’s heart happy, or if they are reflective – give them more space to just sit quiet together. These small efforts can make a big difference and help your relationship grow deeper and stronger.  

Remember, in every relationship, the key to happiness lies in understanding and embracing your partner's unique personality traits. Your spouse has their own needs and desires, which may differ from your own.  

By recognizing and nurturing these aspects, you can cultivate a relationship where both partners feel truly seen, understood, and cherished. 

Here’s to making hearts happy this year!