Stop Negative Self Talk - Practice This Everyday

"If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all,” I would tell my girls when they were growing up. It was a good reminder to speak positively about each other and their friends.

This was one of those ‘when you grow up you become your parents’ moments as my mom used to say the same familiar phrase to me as a teenager. I learned, and my girls did too that being kind to others is how you are a good friend.

If we know how to be kind and a good friend to others, why then, it is so much harder to be kind to ourselves?

Instead of kindness and self-love, I would guess that sometimes, you say some really mean things to yourself. You may automatically think negative thoughts or say them aloud.

Say hello to your inner critic.

Your Biggest Challenge is You

Kindness and self-love are tough these days, especially in a culture that has such big expectations of what success is.

If you are a high achieving entrepreneur, you have learned that it takes hard work to be successful. You have a fervent desire to win and will do what it takes to make it happen. It is thrilling to accomplish results when you have executed a great plan. Others know you will push through barriers, and you don’t give up.

These are all good traits until the time when you inevitably fall flat on your face. You fail. And you can’t stand to fail (I get it – I can’t stand to fail either).

Maybe you were off the mark by a little or missed the goal completely. Maybe you let an important client down, or your team members.

And then when it happens, what do you do? You beat yourself up. You may say things like this to yourself:

“You are better than this!”

“Why can’t you get this?”

“What is your problem?”

Do you know what your biggest challenge is in this situation? My friend, your biggest challenge is you. Why?

You are your own worst critic.

Your Inner Critic isn’t Your Friend

When your inner critic shows up, they typically have a loud, hurtful, and very convincing voice. It loves to berate you when you fail at something, ruminates your mistakes over and over, and urges you to give up.

In psychology frameworks, this voice is summed up as automatic negative thoughts (ANTs).

The Stress and Development Lab at Harvard University lists 10 common patterns of ANTs such as “all-or-nothing thinking” – if your performance is not perfect it is a complete failure. Or “labeling” – attaching a negative label to yourself such as “I am a loser.” Another popular one is “fortune telling” – you predict the worst possible future.

There was a time in my life when I really struggled with my own inner critic. I felt very alone when my first husband walked out on our marriage. Being a single parent managing my home and growing business, I felt like I was constantly just trying to keep my head above water.

Even though I knew in my head that I was not responsible for my husband’s abandonment of our family, it still felt like my failure. My critic would tell me, “Surely if you had been a better wife, if you had only tried harder…”

My young girls cried a lot at first when I put them to bed. When I would finally have some quiet at the end of the evening, the negative self-talk would start.

“Your kids are falling apart…this is your fault…you are not doing enough.” On those hard nights I laid awake doing a lot of my own “fortune telling,” - telling myself the future would be as bleak as the present.

Stop Negative Self Talk with This Practice

Even the most successful and happy people struggle at times with negative self-talk. Remember your brains are constantly thinking and processing. You will have negative thoughts.

The problem comes when you engage with this negative thinking; it’s the weight you give it, and the storylines you create that ultimately get in your way.

When you are striving to live a life of joy and balance this is an issue. The good news is that you can learn how to quiet your inner critic.

Practice these 7 steps:

1. Pay attention to your self-talk.

Start listening to yourself. Pay attention when you start ruminating something in your head.

What type of things are you saying to yourself? Are they positive things or negative things? Is your inner voice beating you up or cheering you on?

2. Log your negative self-talk.

Whenever you are trying to instill a new habit, it helps to assess where you are at first. Just like you would create a food log to improve eating habits, keep a thoughts log to record your negative self-talk.

Start getting really in tune with your thinking, by recording every time you say a negative thing to yourself.

3. Confront your inner critic.

As you start to document your negative self-talk you may be shocked to see how often you criticize yourself. It’s time to confront your critic. The next time it happens, prove them wrong with logic.

When you critic has you “fortune-telling” as an example, say, “I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but this is what I am doing today to create my best future.”

4. Release your negative self-talk.

This takes practice, but as you catch your inner critic, recognize the thought as a negative one and realize it is just the chattering of your busy mind.

Actively choose to release the thought. When the negative self-talk comes, understand it is not serving you and let the thought go.

5. Replace the negative self-talk with affirmation.

A helpful exercise for me has been to intentionally replace a critical thought with an affirming one.

As an example, if your critic says you are a failure, you can respond with “I have learned what doesn’t work and will try a new strategy.”

6. Meditate.

You can’t stop the busyness of your mind – and you wouldn’t want to. However, you can train your brain to focus your attention on an anchor, such as your breath, and recognize and let intruding thoughts pass by.

Even adding in a meditation practice of just 10 minutes a day is a good starting point.

7. Talk to yourself like you would a friend.

Just like when a good friend shares a problem with you and you respond in a compassionate and caring way, do the same for yourself.

Make it a rule that you will only talk to yourself as you would talk to one of your closest friends. Use kind and uplifting words back to your inner critic when they show up.

If you really want to stop negative self-talk for good, commit to the change. Get serious about it and commit to thinking and behaving positively. Tell yourself, “Starting today, I will no longer participate in negative self-talk. That is not who I am anymore.”

Practice this every day.

It will take time, but eventually you will find your self-talk becoming more positive. The voice of the inner critic will quiet down.

You can stop negative self-talk.